Independent Scotland ‘will never find out sex of Royal baby’, warns Cameron

David Cameron has denied that the campaign against Scottish independence has ‘run out of ideas’ by announcing that an independent Scotland will ‘never find out’ what sex the new Royal baby turns out to be.

‘I won’t tell you whether it’s a girl or a boy, and you won’t be able to watch BBC News 24 to find out either,’ the prime minister said at a Better Together hustings in Dumfries. ‘And don’t expect the Queen to tell you either, if you vote yes she’ll be bloody furious.’

The Royal baby news has caused an otherwise leaden referendum campaign to explode into life. Scottish Labour MP Jim Murphy has returned to his tedious tour of Scotland’s high streets, temporarily abandoned last week after an egg-throwing voter accused him of ‘not talking about the Royal family enough’.

Mr Murphy won over a number of voters to the No campaign by promising that the Royal baby stratagem was just the start. ‘We’ll introduce free UK wide wifi and we’ll never tell you the password,’ he warned. ‘And we will ensure that Doctor Who gets shot by a Cyberman the week before independence and then we won’t let you see the episode where he finishes regenerating.’

Other key pieces of national information to be withheld from an independent Scotland include who killed Lucy Beale in EastEnders, which celebrities’ naked photos leak next, whether anybody ever actually builds that bloody railway to Birmingham.

‘We will still let you know what Nick Clegg promises in his next manifesto, but we won’t tell you whether he sticks to it,’ Mr Murphy added. ‘Mind you, you can probably work that one out for yourselves.’

Ed Balls denies involvement in slow motion car crash

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has strenuously denied any responsibility for a slow motion car crash taking place in Westminster.

Mr Balls was summonsed by Labour Party authorities to explain why he did not report the accident, which began when passenger Ed Miliband seized the wheel from his brother David in 2010, causing the vehicle to lurch awkwardly all over the place.

‘We had been about to turn sharply to the right when somebody in the front of the vehicle lost control,’ said Mr Balls in a written statement to police. ‘This had nothing to do with me whatsoever even though I accept I have been sitting next to the driver for the past four years.’

Dissatisfied passengers on the vehicle have claimed that the leadership team haven’t had a clue how to drive the whole time. ‘Ed and Ed say they’re in complete control but they don’t look it,’ said one backbencher. ‘I mean, the other day one of them was eating a bacon sandwich instead of keeping his eyes on the road and the whole bloody bus nearly ended up on its roof in a ditch with no seats.’

Legal experts suggest Mr Balls will have a hard time successfully defending himself against the allegations. ‘One advantage he has is that the team is full of people all trying to drive the bus in different directions, including his own wife on the back seat there,’ said Jonathan Foulds, professor of political law at Morley and Outwood College. ’And then there’s the fact that the dangerous vehicle in the other lane appears to be a totally unreliable lemon – look, the front half is blue and the back end is dirty yellow – two entirely different vehicles bolted together. No wonder it’s swerving about all over the place.

‘But I still think they’ll find him guilty. After all, he does have quite a history when it comes to knowing all about crashes. Just ask Alistair Darling.’

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‘Maria Miller should be humanely gassed,’ says Princess Anne

The Princess Royal has weighed in to the culling controversy sweeping Whitehall by suggesting that the only humane way to deal with Maria Miller is to gas her to death.

The government has launched a series of failed attempts to limit the spread of sleaze, a dangerous contagion to which wild Members of Parliament are particularly vulnerable, but Mrs Miller’s recent episode is thought to be one of the most serious outbreaks for some time.

Princess Anne’s intervention is unusual, but seen by royal-watchers to reflect the seriousness with which the Royal family take their role as spokespeople for the nation’s ordinary citizens. There has been a series of failed attempts to stem the outbreak, such as sterilising MP’s expense entitlements and evacuating whole swathes of the Commons of the most serious cases, but the princess now says that the only way to contain the outbreak is to quietly gas this grasping cow before she spreads her muck any further while thrashing around.

‘It is worrying because it is in such close proximity to the stagnant marshland of Westminster,’ said the princess. ‘If this strain were to infect a high-profile herd such as the Cabinet, there’s no telling what chaos could ensue. Loss of mental function, lack of any sense of direction, frothing at the mouth – imagine how much worse they’d be if they contracted sleaze.’

 

One Direction fans urged to ‘try and look upset’ when band splits

Fans of pubescent boyband One Direction have been urged to ‘try and look upset’ when the band inevitably splits in the next twelve to eighteen months.

The band are now ‘highly unlikely’ to manage another year without some enormous teenage strop spilling over into an outright split dressed up as ‘musical differences’, say industry analysts. ‘Now that they’ve been passed over for the Eurovision Song Contest in favour of a pensioner twice on the trot and now some unknown BBC bird, there’s almost no chance of them ever being taken seriously as credible artists,’ said Mike Williams, editor of music magazine NME. ‘When you consider that  Justin Bieber is clearly having more fun than they are, I think the writing must be on the wall.’

Signs that the band’s formerly solid commitment to producing commercially viable music substitute products have included the recent attempt by one of them, possibly Larry or Zune, to play football for Doncaster Rovers. ‘This tentative go at a career in which you earn meaninglessly large amounts of money for doing very little was not entirely successful,’ said a spokesman for the band. ‘Yes, I’m talking about the football. Oh, no – it’s the singing. No – the football. Take your pick.’

Music supremo Louis Walsh said: ‘We’re going to be launching a helpline that the boys can ring if they want to find out why there isn’t any hysteria over their split, so if there are any One Direction fans out there who are capable of answering a phone and having a coherent conversation we’d love to hear from you.’

Swearing ‘absolutely not a sin’, declares stressed Pope

Pope Francis announced that swearing is ‘absolutely not a sin any longer’ under Catholic teaching, just a day after he dropped the f-bomb during a Papal audience in Rome, leading to questions over his infallibility.

‘It’s got nothing to do with my sodding fallibility or otherwise, you tossers,’ the 77-year-old pontiff told reporters after his weekly audience with the Catholic faithful in St Peter’s Square. ‘Where in the f***ing Bible does it say you can’t swear? Eh? No-bloody-where, that’s where. Fallible my arse. You’d swear if you were doing this fucking job, I can tell you.’

The ruling surprised observers of the Catholic Church, and is being seen as a characteristically savvy move by the new Pope to appear more modern. ‘Old Benedict wouldn’t have sworn,’ said one expert Vaticanologist. ‘He just used to give you this glare, and then mutter ‘die Hurensohn’ under his breath, which he always said was the name of his favourite 14th-century Bavarian saint. Anyway, what with that and clicking his heels together, you’d never cross him again.’

His successor Francis, meanwhile, has established a much more relaxed style, although the change to Catholic custom was still unexpected. ‘Nobody liked that frosty old bastard, did they?’ he said of his predecessor. ‘So I thought, you know, take a different tack, be a bit more touchy-fucking-feely and people might be nicer to each other. But no, nobody listens to the fucking Pope any more. Look at that dickhead Putin, marching into the Crimea and slapping his cock on the table. This is supposed to be the time of the peace of Jesus, you Russian tit. Christ on a bike, he’ll be the death of us all. So yeah, swear all you like. I’m the Pope – who’s going to fucking stop me?’

‘Mind you though, I won’t want any more jokes about ‘Papal Bull-sh*t’,’ Francis warned. ‘I’ve heard them all before – especially from that Anglican fucker Welby.’

EU leaders’ decisive stand on Crimea: ‘Eurovision is going to be really awkward this year’

European Union leaders have made their first common statement on the Ukraine crisis, warning Russia that its actions leave them no choice but to be ‘really, really frosty’ at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.

‘The aggressive action of the Russian government towards a sovereign European state is unacceptable,’ the statement reads. ‘We are all completely in agreement that unless the Crimea is returned to Ukrainian control, we will make things really, really awkward in the green room at this year’s Eurovision. We will certainly not cheer when the Russians come on, we will wave no Russian flags, and if anybody votes for them we will tut, not just firmly, but audibly.’

The statement comes after more than 48 hours of frenzied diplomatic activity across Europe, spearheaded by UK Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘The Russians know there’s sod all we can do about them marching in to the Crimea, or anywhere else, militarily speaking,’ Mr Hague said at a frank press briefing. ‘But this has given them pause for thought. Didn’t see this one coming, did you Mr Putin? No more douze points for you lot until you start behaving yourselves. Ha ha bloody ha.’

The joint warning is being seen as a personal success for Mr Hague. ‘It was really exciting, talking to my French and German counterparts over the phone late at night,’ he said. ‘And I even got a couple of supportive texts from some of the others, like Denmark and Portugal what’s that small one at the far end, Cyprus? Yeah, Cyprus. We’re all singing from the same hymn sheet, if you’ll excuse the pun. And just like the Eurovision, some of us are even in tune. Well, one or two.’

The Russian government was said to be ‘unconcerned’ by the statement. ‘We know how these things turn out,’ said a spokesman. ‘A lot of talk, but in the end whether it’s trailing into Baghdad behind the Americans or Bonnie Tyler honking on a stage surrounded by oiled topless male dancers, the British always come in last.’

RSPB to focus on saving Angry Birds

After a series of charity scandals, cash-strapped conservation group the RSPB has announced that it will refocus its conservation efforts on saving the Angry Birds, rather than their real cousins.

‘What people don’t realise is that looking after real birds is bloody expensive,’ said a spokeswoman. ‘We have to buy in wing splints and beak bandages for when the damn things get themselves mangled by wind turbines, shedloads of soap for when they go swimming around in oil slicks, and all these maps and stuff so we can find out which wetland habitat the government is concreting over next. This stuff costs millions, and it’s not much fun either. Whereas Angry Birds is just 69p and we can make a difference every level.’

The RSPB’s governing council has already approved changes to its constitution to scrap its 150-year commitment to environmental protection, and instead position the society as the world’s leading preventer of bad piggy attacks on innocent birds and an active campaigner for the knocking down of precarious virtual sheds and towers. ‘One of our key aims has always been to engage young people in observing and caring about the world of birds,’ said RSPB chief executive Dr Mike Clarke. ‘And our research tells us that they don’t give a shit about ptarmigans or hooded mergansers or whatever, they’re too busy helping save angry birds on their phones all the time. Although there remains quite a healthy level of interest in shags, funnily enough.’

The RSPB’s statement has been greeted with relief by London Mayor Boris Johnson, who will now be free to concrete over 150 square kilometres of wetland in north Kent to build his eponymous airport. ‘Excellent news, just the ticket,’ he told reporters. ‘As Herodotus once said, bugger the egret breeding grounds, this means we can triple our runway capacity at a stroke. Or was it Mark Carney, I can’t remember. Who are you again?’

Ghost of Richard Nixon ‘still banging on about China,’ reveals ghost of David Frost

The ghost of deceased US president Richard M Nixon is ‘still banging on about China’, the disappointed ghost of interviewer Sir David Frost has revealed.
In his first journalistic foray since unexpectedly passing away on a cruise ship last week, Sir David questioned Nixon’s spirit during a four-hour exchange, nearly forty years after they first met in California. ‘I just dropped by to say hello, good evening and so on,’ said Sir David’s ghost. ‘But we ended up chatting for quite a while, and I of course tried to get him to say a proper ‘sorry’ for Watergate this time. But he just went on and on about what a brilliant tactician he was and how we all ought to be grateful to him. I pointed out that he’d been dead for twenty years and might want to think about letting go, but he wasn’t having any of it.’
Nixon’s ghost was characteristically unrepentant and insisted he was ‘delighted’ to have been reunited with his old foe. ‘Now you listen to me: I’m dead, and stuck here for all eternity. That’s what you liberals always wanted, isn’t it? Well, let me tell you, Tricky Dick doesn’t just disappear off into the sunset without keeping himself busy. And if there’s one thing that should feel like it takes up the whole of eternity, it’s being interviewed by David Frost. Sadly it was over sooner than I expected and I still have all of time to fill. So I’m going to a poetry reading by this Seamus Heaney instead. God help me.’
Despite now being dead, Sir David admits that he still hopes to hold regular interviews with some of the world’s most eminent dead statesmen and women. ‘Of course I’d love to get to the bottom of whether Tony Blair really is sorry for that business about Iraq,’ he said, ‘so I can’t wait for him to turn up in the afterlife as soon as possible. As it happens plenty of people were telling me they felt the same, even before I got on that cruise ship. Funny that.’

PM unveils curbs on ‘exploitative, degrading, irritating’ Royal baby coverage

Every household in the UK is to have endless, vacuous reporting of the birth and infancy of the Royal baby blocked by their internet provider unless they choose to receive it, David Cameron has announced.

In a speech, the prime minister warned that salacious, intrusive and degrading images of the Royal baby and its mother were ‘about to take over the internet’ and that immediate measures were necessary to protect the sanity of the reasonable.

‘Without immediate action, this country will become a worldwide hub for the oversentimentalisation of some photos of a woman and her baby,’ he warned. ‘Millions will have their innocence ruined – they will be forever unable to see that these photographs are really very boring, and that actually nothing other than the fact that this baby exists is any of their f*cking business.’

Mr Cameron also called for some ‘horrific’ internet search terms to be ‘blacklisted’, so that no results would be produced for searches such as ‘Kate Middleton weight’, ‘William Kate baby happy photos long lens’ and ‘Duchess Cambridge pretty dress lovely gorgeous style icon Diana ooh aaah’.

Millions of existing computer users will be contacted by their internet providers and told they must decide whether to active a ‘brain filter’ to restrict inane material. Customers will be offered two options – ‘A baby’s a baby, who gives a sh*t’ or ‘No, I am a slack-jawed moron who needs to continue receiving tedious crap about the Cambridge heir in order to find a substitute for purpose in my life’ – and those who choose neither will automatically be categorised as sensible and have access to the Daily Mail website switched off completely.

Mr Cameron acknowledged that this would overestimate the emotional capacity of ‘a large proportion’ of the population to cope without at least an hourly dose of Kate-themed journalistic shit, but he insisted that such a draconian step was the ‘only way’ to prevent the collective national intellect from dwindling to almost nothing. ‘And that’s a real concern after what I’ve let Michael Gove do to the education system, remember,’ he said.

UK can basically ‘pack up now’ after Murray win, Qatada deportation

The prime minister David Cameron has suggested that, after Abu Qatada’s deportion and now Andy Murray’s Wimbledon victory, the United Kingdom has completed everything that was left to do and can now pack up and go home.

‘Well I think that’s pretty much it,’ Mr Cameron said after Murray’s win brought to an end 77 years of quoting exactly how long it has been since the last British men’s Wimbledon champion. ‘Now that Abu Qatada is out of our hair as well, I think we can all say job done. Of course you could quibble over this Europe referendum business and house prices and Rupert Murdoch still being rich and not in prison, but that’s all just loose ends, isn’t it?

‘No, I think on the whole the United Kingdom can say its work here is done, so let’s all think about disbanding and getting on with our lives. At least, that’s what Alex Salmond was saying to me at Wimbledon yesterday.’

Mr Cameron scorned those who felt that he ‘lacked ambition’ for the future of the country. ‘We can’t go on forever with no outcome,’ he said. ‘If this was a video game we’d now have to defeat some domineering, soulless, evil boss-monster with no conscience who kept trying to destroy us before we could level up and do it all over again. What are you looking at me like that for?’

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