BBC3 continuity announcer ‘attempts suicide’ after failing to become anybody’s best mate

A continuity announcer on BBC3 has attempted suicide after realising that despite her best attempts to sound matey and cheerful and be everybody’s best friend, she is in fact an irritating, inconsequential loudmouth.

The announcer, known only as Sarah, told of her ‘utter despair’ at realising that her constant friendly banter, telling viewers how funny Russell Howard is and making ‘woo-hoo’ noises before repeats of Doctor Who, was not being received as warmly by viewers as she had hoped.

“I really thought that people loved me, chattering away in the announcer’s booth,” a tearful Sarah told reporters in hospital. “But despite my affected Manchester accent and relentlessly pally tone of voice, I eventually realised that I was in fact just a gobby, annoying cow and that I was just getting on people’s nerves with my meaningless prattle.”

Sarah was hospitalised on Thursday morning after overdosing on two pints of lager and a packet of crisps. She is expected to make a full recovery.