Celebrity employer Sir Alan Sugar has admitted that he is “concerned” at the unusually high staff turnover at his London headquarters.
“I know there’s a recession on,” Sugar commented, “but I seem to be sacking some new muppet every week. It ain’t good for morale and it’s slowing my business down.”
Senior aide Margaret Mountford was not impressed by Sir Alan’s complaints. “I tell him at least daily, I’ve got a shedload of paperwork to do,” she told reporters. “But he never listens. He just drags me off to another recruitment panel and then insists on sacking somebody. I don’t even know why he thinks I need to be there. It’s just meetings all bloody day. I’m a lawyer, not some boardroom stooge.”
Boardroom stooge Nick Hewer,63, was more sympathetic. “I started off as a PR consultant, so God knows I’d rather be watching Sir Alan sack another third of his workforce than reading some tedious business strategy.”
A recent report by the Department for Business revealed that Sir Alan was solely responsible for 15% of UK unemployment and has ‘flooded’ the job market with pushy morons incapable of any human goodness. “I s’pose I could just recruit some HR staff,” Sugar reflected. “Then maybe Nick, Margaret and I could go out on the razzle instead of spending all our time in that bloody boardroom.”