Fiona Bruce should lead Scottish independence campaign, says Salmond

EDINBURGH, Friday – Scottish nationalist leader and First Minister Alex Salmond has called on BBC newsreader Fiona Bruce to lead a military campaign for Scottish independence.

“The last time we beat seven bells out of the English, it was under the banner of Robert the Bruce,,” Salmond told a packed press conference in Banchory. “Who better to lead Scotland’s 21st-century campaign against our English overlords than his much sassier, sexier namesake?”

Bruce was felt to be “unsympathetic” to the idea, although she did concede that she had led Kosovo’s campaign for independence as part of last year’s BBC Children in Need programme. “I’m quite happy on the Antiques Roadshow,” she pouted at reporters as she shimmied out of her West London home, on her way to fight crime and make bad news sexy. “My idea of danger is letting George Alagiah drive me home after the Ten O’Clock, so I don’t think I’d be cut out for traipsing around the Highlands in a tartan skirt with half a million Scotsmen jeering and wolf-whistling, thank you very much.”

Salmond insisted he would “continue” with his campaign, adding “if we can’t get Fiona, I might ask Robert Mugabe to do it instead.”

Fiona Bruce is 44.