Non-flood-hit areas braced for incessant moaning about the weather

Local authorities in parts of Britain not hit by any major flooding are bracing themselves for a tidal wave of moaning to bring local people to a halt.

With meteorologists forecasting several more days of heavy rain and serious disruption in Cumbria and Dumfries & Galloway, experts are warning that the rest of the UK could be ‘awash’ with exaggerated whining and complaining about the gloomy weather, ongoing rain, and the inevitably chaotic government response to the flooding.

While no actual damage or inconvenience is likely to be caused in the unflooded areas, says the Environment Agency, the nation could ‘effectively grind to a halt’ for several days while the impact of the weather-related grumbling is felt. ‘We’ve seen this sort of unprecedented catastrophe several times before in the last few years,’ an Agency spokeswoman said. ‘The flooding we can handle, with sandbags and lifeboats to get the old ladies out of first-floor windows, but we’re worried that this time the country could be overwhelmed by people going on and on about the incompetence of the Government. It’s a serious problem, especially in low-lying middle-class areas.’

The Agency has issued new advice for people in areas likely to be affected, advising people in north-west England and southern Scotland to stay indoors, while those in Middle England can go out, but should just shut up.