The Chancellor is set to go before Parliament today to unveil plans to ditch the pound and adopt silly money as the nation’s currency.
“We haven’t had much luck adding up with pounds,” the Chancellor told a preliminary press conference at 11 Downing Street. “Sterling, where everything is done in multiples of ten, is old-fashioned, complicated, and really difficult to work with in a global economy. We need to join the rest of the world in adopting silly money, which has no real numbers and is going to be the global currency of choice for the next century.”
Silly money has already been adopted by international currency markets and other major Western governments, and is seen as beneficial by economists because it abandons traditional ideas of numerical precision in favour of an unending money supply which can be thrown at problems indiscriminately until they go away.
“It’s been virtually impossible to do our sums properly using our present currency,” the Chancellor said. “So I’ll be putting detailed plans for reform before my nine hundred or so colleagues in the Commons. We can’t go on with this outdated system which goes back nearly ninety years to the late 1970s. Once we’ve done that, and achieve the forty or fifty votes we need to win a referendum, it should take us ten years or so to complete the transition and the new currency will be in use by 2011, by which time I calculate I’ll be the longest-serving and most successful Chancellor in history.”