British couple achieve record two hours without referring to newborn baby’s bodily excreta

A couple from Surrey have smashed world records by speaking to other people for two hours and five minutes without making a single reference to the bodily fluids excreted by their eight-month-old baby.

Adam and Sarah Kemp, both 31, were awarded their place in the record books by fellow guests at a dinner party in their home town of Leatherhead last Saturday. Hostess Melanie Royds, 34, congratulated the couple after noticing that when Sarah described the texture of baby Emily’s poo over dessert at 9.35, it was the first reference either of the pair had made since husband Adam had commented during the gazpacho starter at 7.30 on Emily’s tendency to vomit copiously after every bottle feed.

‘We’re really proud of their achievement,’ Royds told the press. ‘Usually you can’t shut either of them up about the bloody kid’s latest adventure with dribble or wee-wee, so this made a nice change. Put me off my Marks & Spencer sticky chocolate pot a bit, though.’

Sarah Kemp admitted she was ‘surprised but delighted’ by the accolade. ‘It was a real challenge,’ she revealed, ‘but we managed it. It helped that our friends pretended not to be interested in hearing about Emily’s nappy habits or her recent discovery that she can scoop little baby snot out of her little baby nosy nose. They really supported us by pretending to look bored, fed up and slightly sickened whenever I even mentioned our little darling.’ Her friends were ‘all smiles’ when she reached the two hour mark, Sarah said. ‘I can only imagine they were just desperate to hear some more cutesy wee-wee stories, the poor things. Still, we’ve got the record so it’s back to normal now. Oopsie – is that a big cute lump of poopy-poo I can smell in there?’

Sarah’s friends were ‘unavailable for comment’.