Former Prime Minister Sir John Major has returned to his traditional family business of manufacturing garden gnomes, unveiling his first new collection entitled ‘Sanctimonious Bercow’.
The new range of dwarves each stand 1′ 4″ high and are ‘nowhere near as tall’ as the Speaker of the House of Commons, said Sir John. ‘But in many other respects we’ve captured Mr Speaker’s likeness not inconsiderably well,’ he added, citing the gnomes’ ruddy, angry appearance, docile nature, and the fact that they are only really any good at standing immobile surrounded by taller vegetation.
‘After some years of wondering what to do after I stopped being Prime Minister some while ago, I remembered that my father used to flog these little fellows off the back of a truck round Brixton way,’ said Sir John at the product launch in Buckingham. ‘So with the encouragement of my wife Norman I pottered down to the shed and came up with a prototype for this range of gnomes, which I made out of some recycled Tories with all the blue washed out. It took an awful lot of hot air but not much substance to make the first mould – not unlike the real thing, oh yes.’
Sir John said that he rejected a back-to-basics approach in making the new gnomes, and instead invented a high-tech system of water sensors concealed inside each Bercow gnome. ‘You can put one next to your garden tap and it will make an awful lot of loud noise if it detects any leaks,’ he said. ‘But unfortunately it’s so small that it can’t do anything useful about it. Better luck next time.’