Swearing ‘lessens pain’, says accident-prone Pope

Pope Benedict has endorsed the findings of a recent study showing that swearing lessens pain after admitting that he “turned the night air blue” on breaking his wrist. “Christ, it was total f***ing agony,” the 82-year-old Pontiff told surprised, but relieved, worshippers at a mass in the alpine town of Aosta. “But those bl**dy scientists were right – swearing does ease the f***ing pain.” The Pope was referring to recent research by nerds at the University of Keele, who found that swearing makes pain easier to bear.

“We’re delighted that his Holiness is safe after his accident, ” said Dr Bridget Harris, lead researcher for the obscenity project. “He probably prevented himself from falling unconscious, simply by taking our advice and swearing like a Catholic trooper, the clever little b*gger.”

“I was just trying to get to sodding sleep, but I needed to get up and go for a slash,” the Pope told his congregation the morning after the accident. “I was f***ing dumb enough not to turn the lights on, so I went a**e over t*t and ended up breaking my f***ing wrist to smithereens. I knew I’d done some bl**dy damage, so I let rip with a few effs and blinds and the next thing I knew I was totally f***ing surrounded by bl**din’ Cardinals, thank the f***ing Lord. I could have been lying there for sh***ing hours if I hadn’t remembered to issue profanities so b***y loudly. Anyway, enough about me, let’s get on with it. Lord, have f***ing mercy – oops, sorry.”