Italy to evacuate 120,000 teenage girls from vicinity of Silvio Berlusconi

The Italian government has announced the urgent evacuation of nearly 120,000 teenage girls from the area around Silvio Berlusconi, the ageing prime minister who has recently been damaged by a huge wave of allegations about his moral conduct.

Italy’s Interior Minister, Roberto Maroni, announced the measures in an emergency broadcast. ‘If you are under twenty years of age, busty, blonde, naive or possibly just a frisky little minx, then you are in danger,’ he said in the broadcast. ‘We will be sending minibuses to pick you up and move you at least 150km away from Silvio Berlusconi in the next 24 hours. We urge you to dress sensibly, tell your parents, and cooperate with the authorities, but not in the way that Silvio Berlusconi means it.’

The move is said to be in response to signs that Mr Berlusconi, 75, has finally begun to overheat dangerously. ‘This old facility has been generating power for a surprisingly long time now,’ said Mr Maroni. ‘But in recent years, its facade has needed a great deal of expensive but unconvincing repair work, and it has started to consume ever greater amounts of the politically-toxic fuel Bungabung-A just to keep going’.

The danger is that Berlusconi’s final meltdown will cause a chain of thirteen sexual reactions, blowing its dangerous load for miles around. The Interior Ministry has despatched a team of erotic engineers, clad in their protective birthday suits, to attempt a delicate cooling operation on the ageing premier, which has has been under increasing criticism in recent years for its poor safety record, inefficiency, and tendency to miscalculate.

‘This thing has been all over the media for years,’ said Mr Maroni, ‘so nobody should be surprised at the peril we find ourselves in. If Berlusconi’s main fuel rod finally gives out after all these years, then the resulting explosion will leave a huge power vacuum – and God knows what we’ll all end up covered in. It could be worse than one of his late night Cabinet meetings.’