EU unveils early release scheme for good conduct

The European Union has introduced a scheme which rewards member states for good behaviour by releasing them from the organisation early, in a bid to ease overcrowding.

The new rules come into force next year and could see Ireland, Austria and Finland released from the EU as early as 2016. “The issue of overcrowding is becoming very serious,” said Commission president Jose Manuel Barroso. “We were always aware that we had limited space, but now more and more countries are complaining about the terrible conditions, and Luxembourg suffocated to death last week which was the final straw. At this rate we’ll never fit Turkey in here, so we’re going to have do to something about it.”

Mr Barroso is understood to have drawn up guidelines on what sort of behaviour should be rewarded under the scheme. Ratification of the Lisbon Treaty could be worth up to eighteen months’ parole, which has angered the Czech Republic. ‘That’s a lot of rubbish,’ protested Czech president Vaclav Klaus. ‘Even the British ratified the Lisbon Treaty before we did. It’s not fair that they could get out before us.’

Mr Barroso insisted that despite the Czechs’ objections there was little sign that the United Kingdom would be released early. ‘Britain has been one of our most troublesome inmates,’ he declared. ‘The UK has shown no understanding of why it’s here in the first place and has never apologised for its actions, so it will probably not be eligible for the early release scheme. In fact, France has asked that Britain be locked in a padded cell in solitary confinement for a few years. I think this is a good idea. Then at least we won’t all have to listen to the Daily Mail screaming abuse at us all the time.’