Royal Wedding tea towel “no longer more effective than other tea towels”

A woman in Wiltshire has reported that her Royal Wedding tea towel has stopped being any better or more uplifting than her other tea towels, sparking fears that the millions of commemorative items emblazoned with the faces of Prince William and Kate Middleton are beginning to lose their magic.

Maureen Williams, 46, of Devizes, said she was drying up after a meal with her husband and their two children, when she looked down and realised that she was using her new Royal Wedding tea towel. ‘When I saw it was my Wills and Kate one, I burst into tears,’ Mrs Williams said. ‘For the whole of last week I always felt a sense of deep inner joy whenever I used it, as though life had become worth living and the world was full of love and happiness. But now I just feel the same sense of listless drudgery, injustice, and social inferiority as when Charles married Camilla. Plus, I’m sure it used to dry dishes a lot quicker than all my other tea towels but it doesn’t any more.’

There has been a growing number of similar reports, including a Royal Wedding teapot in Northern Ireland that makes ‘increasingly ordinary-tasting tea’ instead of the jolly superb kind, a Royal Wedding plastic bag in Northamptonshire whose owners report is ‘no longer bigger on the inside’, and a Royal Wedding couple in London who have very quickly stopped being everybody’s favourite young lovers and have instead become a pair of silver-spooned privileged toffs sunning themselves at an exclusive Indian Ocean resort at taxpayers’ expense.

There was no comment from the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, although the Duchess’s parents Mike and Carole Middleton issued a statement offering ‘a brand new range of reasonably-priced Pippa Middleton-themed underwear to banish those post-wedding blues and make you feel beach-ready and gorgeous in less time than it takes Prince Harry to say ‘Hey bro, the sister’s fit, d’you mind if I whisk her off after the ceremony for a quick fumble in the Lady Chapel?’