Rapture ‘will still go ahead’ after Listening Exercise, insists God

God has confirmed that plans for the Rapture and the End Times are still going ahead despite the launch of a Listening Exercise this week to consult on the changes.

“We recognise that there are concerns and we’ve taken the opportunity to pause and reflect on what we could be doing better,’ God said at a hastily-arranged press conference. ‘We’ve listened to what the public has to say and we’ve delayed the deadline for the righteous to be swept up into heaven until at least April 2013, but we’re still committed to ending the universe and ushering in the Kingdom of God.’

Critics of God’s plans have said that they are ‘rushed’, ‘not properly planned’ and ‘ideologically driven’. Doctors’ union the British Medical Association said it was ‘furious’ about the proposals. ‘God is completely ignoring the importance of the Primary Care Trusts,’ said BMA president Dr Hamish Meldrum. ‘This whole thing smacks of overweening arrogance. God has no mandate to impose this sort of reform on the medical profession – not without the support of GPs, anyway.’

In Heaven there was some criticism of God by the opposition after He appeared to backtrack on some of the plans without consulting His ministers. ‘Who exactly is in charge here?’ demanded the Devil. ‘Last week he humiliated St Peter over reforms to Purgatory, and now he’s overruling the Angel of Death on his plans to break up the universe. The whole thing’s a shambles – I blame Nick Clegg.’