David Cameron has admitted he ‘would have done things differently’ at last night’s Euro crisis talks if he had realised that his new close ally Hungary is in fact no longer at the helm of the powerful Austro-Hungarian Empire.
The prime minister was reacting to angry criticism of his decision to align Britain with the much-reduced eastern EU state, after insisting at 3am that the decision was ‘a landmark in our post-Napoleonic history’. Mr Cameron realised his error when he saw that Austria had a separate delegation and none of them were wearing plumed helmets or bushy moustaches.
‘I honestly did pay attention in History lessons at school, but as our tutor Dr Fudge-Watkinson was 93 years old and teaching at Eton I suppose he might have been a bit out of date,’ Mr Cameron said. ‘I did phone up Boris Johnson, the only Tory still awake, to sound him out and he said it would be a jolly good wheeze, although on reflection his advice that the Prussians would never accept Ottoman membership of the EU was a bit of a clue that he’s an idiot.’
Mr Cameron now faces the task of maintaining UK influence in Europe without being able to subjugate France and march on Berlin by the end of the winter. ‘I did think I’d have the might of the Hapsburg dynasty behind me, so it is a bit of a disappointment,’ he conceded. ‘And I’m dreading telling my backbenchers – some of them were really looking forward to the division of Poland.’