The Daily Mail has welcomed the new French president, Francois Hollande, with a lavish swearing-at ceremony to mark his first day in office.
The ceremony, attended by a host of Mail dignitaries, was held in the newspaper’s London HQ. Over a dozen figures gathered round a TV set broadcasting pictures of Mr Hollande live from the effete and decadent surroundings of the Elysee Palace, where he began his reign of left-wing terror this morning. During the proceedings, a rainbow of expletives were issued towards the new French leader by the assembled journalists, beginning with some informal messages about ‘lazy Frogs’ and culminating in the formal proclamation of Mr Hollande as ‘that intransigent French Socialist bastard’ by the paper’s editor, Paul Dacre.
‘In the 108 years since the Entente f***ing Cordiale, these f***ers have elected c**t after c**t to be their leader, each time sticking two fingers up at the British in their evil attempts to submerge us in a federal Europe,’ said Mr Dacre in a moving address. ‘That f***er de Gaulle, then that lecherous b****rd Mitterand, that f***ing crook Chirac, and now they’ve chucked out that titchy bugger Sarko and brought in this bespectacled Commie f**kwit. Well we say, bonne chance, you speccy French git.’
Mr Hollande was said to be ‘very moved’ at the Mail’s tribute. ‘I consider this humble address to be the highest praise my British friends can muster,’ he said after the ceremony. ‘My only regret is that I now have to go to Germany to cook up a new diabolical scheme to dominate Europe with Mrs Merkel, instead of flying to London and telling the editor of the Daily Mail how grateful I am for his kind words.’
Mr Hollande concluded his statement with the traditional French greeting reserved for British tabloid journalists, ‘Va te faire foutre, trouduc, tu es un putain salaud et branleur qui ne peut qu’ecriver des conneries. Encule un mouche! Brule en enfer, menteurs!’, which sources indicate is French for ‘Rule Britannia’.