Four UK water companies have lifted the last hosepipe bans, triggering calls by Britain’s husbands to introduce a lawnmower ban instead in order to prevent dangerous levels of nagging about the state of the nation’s gardens.
Abnormal rainfall levels during the recent drought have left gardens across the UK in a state of parlous overgrowth. ‘We’re at a very volatile juncture,’ said husbands’ rights campaigner Brian Grahame, 50. ‘If the government doesn’t take immediate action, we’ll be faced with a tidal wave of nagging from ‘er or, increasingly nowadays, ‘im indoors to get the lawnmower out. And nobody wants that, believe you me. Think of the noise. Of the mowers, as well as the nagging.’
Grahame insists that the crisis is ‘the greatest threat to the peace and quiet enjoyed by British husbands’ since the Major government introduced Sunday shopping in 1994, which saw countless husbands driven out of their sheds in order to convey wives and shopping bags to and from out-of-town shopping locations. ‘We’ve actually had a reasonably successful summer up to this point,’ Grahame explained. ‘The latest figures show that tinkering in the shed has been at an all-time high, aided by the wet weather which tends to put the missuses off from going outside to poke their noses in and spoil a nice quiet afternoon with moaning about housework, teenagers or, of course, so-called ‘half-finished DIY’.’
But the picture for the next quarter was much bleaker. ‘A lawnmower ban may be the only way to preserve our peaceful existence,’ Grahame warned. ‘Our only other hope is persuading this EL James bird to knock out another Fifty Shades book – I don’t know what’s in it but I didn’t hear a peep from my Maureen for twelve days when the last one came out.’