Cast of EastEnders to be responsible for Olympic security

Following the successful foray of the Olympic torch relay into the fictitious London Borough of Walford, Home Secretary Theresa May has announced that responsibility for Olympic security is to be transferred from G4S to characters from  BBC’ soap EastEnders.

‘It’s been my suspicion for a long time that a lot of what G4S were telling us about how organised they were was basically made up rubbish,’ said Mrs May. ‘And when I saw Billy Mitchell carrying the Olympic torch on TV the other night, I thought ‘Well, being made up and rubbish clearly isn’t an obstacle to playing a successful part in the Olympics for them’, and I was on the phone to the BBC straight away.’

The move is expected to be popular with TV viewers and terrorists in particular. EastEnders fans have already hailed the news as ‘likely to generate some significantly improved storylines’, although early script drafts in which Kat Moon abducts Tanya Branning’s closing ceremony tickets after her own go missing in the post has been criticised as ‘not very interesting’ by charities.

Olympic spectators have already seen some improvements on the previous security regime, said Locog. ‘Up to yesterday they were all moaning about having to queue for four hours to get in, and not being allowed to take any water with them,’ said Locog chair Lord Coe. ‘Now, of course, we’ve just let Phil Mitchell loose in the crowd to yell ‘Shut it you tart’ and ‘Leave it, ‘e ain’t worth it’ at anybody who kicks up a fuss. Much better. Although we’ve also seen a rise in pub fights, adulterous relationships, murder and domestic violence, but I’m sure that’s completely unrelated.’

Theresa May also announced additional funding to get Barbara Windsor back to scream ‘Get out of my Olympic Lane’ at people trying to drive around London during the Games. ‘If the approach is successful, and we have no reason to think it won’t be, then it’s quite likely we’ll hand over other areas of government policy to fictional people,’ she said. ‘The Prime Minister has already consulted Peppa Pig over macroeconomic policy, and of course we’re all dying to know what Nick Clegg thinks about the recession – oh don’t be silly, of course he’s fictional. Isn’t he?’