EU leaders’ decisive stand on Crimea: ‘Eurovision is going to be really awkward this year’

European Union leaders have made their first common statement on the Ukraine crisis, warning Russia that its actions leave them no choice but to be ‘really, really frosty’ at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.

‘The aggressive action of the Russian government towards a sovereign European state is unacceptable,’ the statement reads. ‘We are all completely in agreement that unless the Crimea is returned to Ukrainian control, we will make things really, really awkward in the green room at this year’s Eurovision. We will certainly not cheer when the Russians come on, we will wave no Russian flags, and if anybody votes for them we will tut, not just firmly, but audibly.’

The statement comes after more than 48 hours of frenzied diplomatic activity across Europe, spearheaded by UK Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘The Russians know there’s sod all we can do about them marching in to the Crimea, or anywhere else, militarily speaking,’ Mr Hague said at a frank press briefing. ‘But this has given them pause for thought. Didn’t see this one coming, did you Mr Putin? No more douze points for you lot until you start behaving yourselves. Ha ha bloody ha.’

The joint warning is being seen as a personal success for Mr Hague. ‘It was really exciting, talking to my French and German counterparts over the phone late at night,’ he said. ‘And I even got a couple of supportive texts from some of the others, like Denmark and Portugal what’s that small one at the far end, Cyprus? Yeah, Cyprus. We’re all singing from the same hymn sheet, if you’ll excuse the pun. And just like the Eurovision, some of us are even in tune. Well, one or two.’

The Russian government was said to be ‘unconcerned’ by the statement. ‘We know how these things turn out,’ said a spokesman. ‘A lot of talk, but in the end whether it’s trailing into Baghdad behind the Americans or Bonnie Tyler honking on a stage surrounded by oiled topless male dancers, the British always come in last.’