Swearing ‘absolutely not a sin’, declares stressed Pope

Pope Francis announced that swearing is ‘absolutely not a sin any longer’ under Catholic teaching, just a day after he dropped the f-bomb during a Papal audience in Rome, leading to questions over his infallibility.

‘It’s got nothing to do with my sodding fallibility or otherwise, you tossers,’ the 77-year-old pontiff told reporters after his weekly audience with the Catholic faithful in St Peter’s Square. ‘Where in the f***ing Bible does it say you can’t swear? Eh? No-bloody-where, that’s where. Fallible my arse. You’d swear if you were doing this fucking job, I can tell you.’

The ruling surprised observers of the Catholic Church, and is being seen as a characteristically savvy move by the new Pope to appear more modern. ‘Old Benedict wouldn’t have sworn,’ said one expert Vaticanologist. ‘He just used to give you this glare, and then mutter ‘die Hurensohn’ under his breath, which he always said was the name of his favourite 14th-century Bavarian saint. Anyway, what with that and clicking his heels together, you’d never cross him again.’

His successor Francis, meanwhile, has established a much more relaxed style, although the change to Catholic custom was still unexpected. ‘Nobody liked that frosty old bastard, did they?’ he said of his predecessor. ‘So I thought, you know, take a different tack, be a bit more touchy-fucking-feely and people might be nicer to each other. But no, nobody listens to the fucking Pope any more. Look at that dickhead Putin, marching into the Crimea and slapping his cock on the table. This is supposed to be the time of the peace of Jesus, you Russian tit. Christ on a bike, he’ll be the death of us all. So yeah, swear all you like. I’m the Pope – who’s going to fucking stop me?’

‘Mind you though, I won’t want any more jokes about ‘Papal Bull-sh*t’,’ Francis warned. ‘I’ve heard them all before – especially from that Anglican fucker Welby.’