Fans of pubescent boyband One Direction have been urged to ‘try and look upset’ when the band inevitably splits in the next twelve to eighteen months.
The band are now ‘highly unlikely’ to manage another year without some enormous teenage strop spilling over into an outright split dressed up as ‘musical differences’, say industry analysts. ‘Now that they’ve been passed over for the Eurovision Song Contest in favour of a pensioner twice on the trot and now some unknown BBC bird, there’s almost no chance of them ever being taken seriously as credible artists,’ said Mike Williams, editor of music magazine NME. ‘When you consider that Justin Bieber is clearly having more fun than they are, I think the writing must be on the wall.’
Signs that the band’s formerly solid commitment to producing commercially viable music substitute products have included the recent attempt by one of them, possibly Larry or Zune, to play football for Doncaster Rovers. ‘This tentative go at a career in which you earn meaninglessly large amounts of money for doing very little was not entirely successful,’ said a spokesman for the band. ‘Yes, I’m talking about the football. Oh, no – it’s the singing. No – the football. Take your pick.’
Music supremo Louis Walsh said: ‘We’re going to be launching a helpline that the boys can ring if they want to find out why there isn’t any hysteria over their split, so if there are any One Direction fans out there who are capable of answering a phone and having a coherent conversation we’d love to hear from you.’