‘Maria Miller should be humanely gassed,’ says Princess Anne

The Princess Royal has weighed in to the culling controversy sweeping Whitehall by suggesting that the only humane way to deal with Maria Miller is to gas her to death.

The government has launched a series of failed attempts to limit the spread of sleaze, a dangerous contagion to which wild Members of Parliament are particularly vulnerable, but Mrs Miller’s recent episode is thought to be one of the most serious outbreaks for some time.

Princess Anne’s intervention is unusual, but seen by royal-watchers to reflect the seriousness with which the Royal family take their role as spokespeople for the nation’s ordinary citizens. There has been a series of failed attempts to stem the outbreak, such as sterilising MP’s expense entitlements and evacuating whole swathes of the Commons of the most serious cases, but the princess now says that the only way to contain the outbreak is to quietly gas this grasping cow before she spreads her muck any further while thrashing around.

‘It is worrying because it is in such close proximity to the stagnant marshland of Westminster,’ said the princess. ‘If this strain were to infect a high-profile herd such as the Cabinet, there’s no telling what chaos could ensue. Loss of mental function, lack of any sense of direction, frothing at the mouth – imagine how much worse they’d be if they contracted sleaze.’