Ed Balls denies involvement in slow motion car crash

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has strenuously denied any responsibility for a slow motion car crash taking place in Westminster.

Mr Balls was summonsed by Labour Party authorities to explain why he did not report the accident, which began when passenger Ed Miliband seized the wheel from his brother David in 2010, causing the vehicle to lurch awkwardly all over the place.

‘We had been about to turn sharply to the right when somebody in the front of the vehicle lost control,’ said Mr Balls in a written statement to police. ‘This had nothing to do with me whatsoever even though I accept I have been sitting next to the driver for the past four years.’

Dissatisfied passengers on the vehicle have claimed that the leadership team haven’t had a clue how to drive the whole time. ‘Ed and Ed say they’re in complete control but they don’t look it,’ said one backbencher. ‘I mean, the other day one of them was eating a bacon sandwich instead of keeping his eyes on the road and the whole bloody bus nearly ended up on its roof in a ditch with no seats.’

Legal experts suggest Mr Balls will have a hard time successfully defending himself against the allegations. ‘One advantage he has is that the team is full of people all trying to drive the bus in different directions, including his own wife on the back seat there,’ said Jonathan Foulds, professor of political law at Morley and Outwood College. ’And then there’s the fact that the dangerous vehicle in the other lane appears to be a totally unreliable lemon – look, the front half is blue and the back end is dirty yellow – two entirely different vehicles bolted together. No wonder it’s swerving about all over the place.

‘But I still think they’ll find him guilty. After all, he does have quite a history when it comes to knowing all about crashes. Just ask Alistair Darling.’