After months of harassment, voters in Scotland are finally going to the polls in a last-ditch attempt to get the Yes and No campaigns to shut up and bugger off.
As the polls open after an increasingly ill-tempered campaign, the sense of relief among ordinary Scots is palpable. ‘I’m just glad it’s all over and I can get mah country back,’ said a tearful voter in Anstruther.’When I was growing up nobody gave a dram o’Dundee piss about politics. Now it’s all Yes this, No Thanks that, whose oil is it the other. That’s why I’m voting ‘feck off, ye boring gobshites’.’
Pollsters are predicting an extremely close race. ‘We’re expecting a narrow lead for ‘I don’t give a flying mcmonkey’s’, but ‘Will you just leave me alone and stop blethering on about the currency’ is firmly ahead among men aged 35-44 and working mothers,’ said a spokesman for YouGov. ‘Mind you, there might also be a surprisingly strong showing for ‘Gordon Brown, where the feck did you dig him up from?’, especially among voters born before 2007.’
The return of Mr Brown to the political frontline sparked a wave of misery among poor Scottish voters forced to listen to barnstorming Presbyterian speeches about British vowyous for the first time since he was prime minister. ‘Mind you, things were bad enough beforehand, what with years of being hectored by Alex Salmond and then Alistair Darling popping up after all this time and droning on about the economy again,’ said another elector from Forfar. ‘If we’d known that a referendum meant listening to this shower o’ bastards fer weeks on end, then we’d never’ve whinged about not having our own bloody parliament in the first place.’
The long campaign has had some positive effects, however. The Scottish placard and sticker industries have seen a huge boost in output, while a tech startup in Aberdeen that marketed an anti-Nicola Sturgeon spray has already sold half a million units and is now employing 45 people.
The onslaught of verbose politicians has left many Scots feeling even more demoralised and miserable than they were before. ‘I’ll tell you what, it’s really reminded me how much we hate these self-serving, rich, smug, carnaptious heid-the-baw scunners and their glaikit mince,’ said an undecided voter at a polling booth in Tain. ‘Just one more thing we’ve got in common with the English. Now, to vote. What was the question again?’