Stupid people have said they are ‘relieved and delighted’ by a UN agreement requiring countries to write their names in big letters on their flags.
The ruling follows years of campaigning spearheaded by England football fans, who have long demonstrated the benefits of spelling out on a flag which country it represents. The decision represents a boost to the fabric dye industry, which will now benefit from the addition of huge blue or black lettering to the cryptic red and white England flag.
‘This is real progress towards making the world easier for idiots to understand,’ said Collins. ‘You can’t expect ordinary people to spend hours learning stuff like red, black and gold means Germany or a lot of blue and white means Greece. And I mean, what’s a red cross got to do with England anyway?’
The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, which claims it will need to spend £60m replacing its national flag with bunting in order to accommodate its full name, led a vocal campaign against the move. ‘We never even qualify for the Eurovision Song Contest, let alone the World Cup,’ said the country’s Foreign Minister after the ruling. ‘Nobody cares where we are.’ The French government had threatened to veto the plan on the grounds that it ‘represented an assault on the aesthetic perfection of the elegant flag of France’ but was ultimately persuaded by the cogent arguments put forward by England football fans in favour of the move.
‘Before we invented this method, flags were just a weird jumble of colours and symbols,’ said a shaven-headed campaign spokesman. ‘World Cup matches were a bleedin’ nightmare – we’d get to the stadium and not know who the f***ing hell which bastards we were playing. But now those of us who can read can finally work it out much easier.’
Prior to the UN’s decision it had been almost impossible to agree on suitable football chants to taunt the opposition, the spokesman said. ‘We came up with the idea of writing which country we were on our flags after 80,000 of us once spent a whole sodding match singing ‘you’re a bunch of Arab tossers’, and then it turned out that we’d been playing f***ing Estonia.’