Princess Charlotte sets out Brexit strategy

Prime minister Theresa May has welcomed news from Canada that Princess Charlotte has finally said her first words, setting out a Brexit strategy for the government to adopt.

‘Mamma,’ Princess Charlotte told adoring crowds during a playdate in Calgary while touring Canada with her parents, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. ‘Mamma.’

Visibly enthused the overjoyed reaction of her parents and the cheering crowds, the sixteen-month-old, who is fourth in line to the throne, went on: ‘Attempting to remain in the Single Market while seeking restrictions on freedom of movement runs counter to the core principles of the European Union and cannot be the starting point for a successful negotiating strategy.

‘Boo, gaga mamma. [Raspberry noises]. The Italian and Spanish governments in particular are unlikely to accede to a compromise and you shouldn’t underestimate the determination of Estonia and Finland to use their veto on any Brexit deal which undermines European cybersecurity defences against the Russians. Bla, bleh. Thrrrrp. Mamma, dadda.’

In a statement Downing Street said: ‘Mrs May is delighted to learn that Princess Charlotte has uttered her first words and wishes to congratulate the whole Cambridge family.

‘The prime minister is particularly pleased that the princess has also finally come up with some actual words we can use to start finding a way out of this mess. Lord knows David Davis and Liam Fox haven’t produced anything remotely comprehensible since June, and all Boris ever does is jibber and blether like a bloody great baby anyway.’

Mrs May is apparently considering a special session of Parliament to make a statement on the joyous news, a move welcomed by senior figures in the Labour party. ‘We’re keen to see if Prince George also has some advice on getting your own way,’ said an anonymous frontbencher. ‘We don’t want to share the party nicely with Jeremy, but so far our strategy has completely failed–maybe it’s time to try crying, screaming and smacking other children in the face. Some more.’