Campaigners for and against airport expansion in south east England were ‘delighted’ today when the government finally ended sixteen years of uncertainty by approving an additional branch of Costa Coffee at Luton Airport.
The decision ends years of wrangling over the future of air travel. ‘Thank f*** that’s over,’ said the pro-Third Runway at Heathrow campaign. ‘We’ve been waiting for this decision for so long and through so many appeal stages and with so many government delays, that if we never hear the name “Heathrow” again it’ll be too soon. A nice toffee nut latte somewhere else entirely sounds great, thanks.’
Prime minister Theresa May told the Commons: “Our guiding principle is how to help our air industry reflect the strength and ambition of our economy. To help British firms export their goods. To enable British families to take their summer holidays overseas.
‘Of course now we’re all as poor as pigshit since Brexit we couldn’t afford to build a runway even if you lot could afford to use it. So a nice new coffee shop at Luton is pretty much all we can manage, although they won’t be able to import any nice Danish pastries without paying 45% import duties, so don’t get your hopes up.
‘Airport expansion means airport expansion, and we’re going to make a Brexit of it.’
Labour and the Liberal Democrats supported the government’s decision. Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn said: ‘We welcome this decision and while we totally disagree with it, half of us are entirely comfortable supporting it. No, I will not be resigning. Look at my mandate. Seriously, look at it!’ Tim Farron for the Lib Dems said: ‘This is a ridiculous decision by Theresa May’s Brexit government, and we can do nothing about it. That’ll teach you.’ His party recently agreed to scrap its support for HS2 in favour of opening two new branches of KFC in Bradford.
Meanwhile, the government’s decision threatened to open up further rifts in the government with the Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson saying he ‘regretted’ her negativity. ‘Crikey chaps, who wants a scummy Danish pastry anyway when you can have some of my compadre Liam Fox’s delicious innovative British jam with your top-quality British macchiato? Golly. Whiff-whaff. Jam what. Bugger Gove.’