Nation to choose colour of handcart we’re all going to hell in

Prime minister Theresa May has sparked scenes of joy across the country after announcing a general election, giving every voter in Britain their say on the colour of the handcart we are all going to hell in.

“This morning, the Cabinet took the momentous decision to ask the public what it thinks about the colour of this lovely handcart,” Mrs May said in a statement which sent the value of the pound surging to 12% of its value this time last year. “Which colour do you want? I’ll choose what I want anyway but it’s polite to ask, even if I don’t give a shit what you say.”

Mrs May challenged her opponents to set out their alternative routes to hell and let the people decide. “One thing is clear,” she asserted in her statement outside Downing Street. “Last year you voted by a thumping 1.9% majority to go directly to hell, and by God that’s what this government is doing its best to achieve.

“Vote for me, Boris and Liam and we can really put our foot down. And when you’re picking a colour, I’d choose brown. It might hide some of the bullshit we’re going to be neck deep in this time next year.”