Cast of EastEnders to be responsible for Olympic security

Following the successful foray of the Olympic torch relay into the fictitious London Borough of Walford, Home Secretary Theresa May has announced that responsibility for Olympic security is to be transferred from G4S to characters from  BBC’ soap EastEnders. ‘It’s been my suspicion for a long time that a lot of what G4S were telling…

FIFA to ‘pick a delegate, any delegate’

A man who is not a shyster is expected to win a fourth term as president of a bunch of shysters at their conference later today in Zurich. The man’s main rival, who is a shyster, was eliminated from the race earlier this week after allegations of corruption surfaced, causing a stir among the other…

England badminton team quit World Championships after ‘plausible threat of trouncing’

The England badminton team have pulled out of the sport’s World Championships in India after terrorists warned that the team could be “trounced” at any moment. The Indian authorities were “unsympathetic” to the England team’s plight and refused to provide sufficient security against the possibility of getting thrashed, England player Nathan Robertson said. “We received…