Bull makes case for ‘precious china’

A bull has called on its fellow cattle to continue “loudly and clearly” putting the case for the “precious unity” of a shop full of china into which they will imminently charge. ‘Look at this lovely shop full of china,’ the bull told a conference of cows in Glasgow. ‘Isn’t it pretty? We must keep…

Wrong campaign named as EU referendum winner

In an embarrassing mix-up, the Electoral Commission has confirmed that Remain actually won the EU referendum after the wrong name was announced on the night. Jenny Watson, chief counting officer for the referendum, admitted the error in the early hours of this morning and attributed it to being given the wrong envelope on the night…

Airport expansion: Government approves additional Costa Coffee at Luton

Campaigners for and against airport expansion in south east England were ‘delighted’ today when the government finally ended sixteen years of uncertainty by approving an additional branch of Costa Coffee at Luton Airport. The decision ends years of wrangling over the future of air travel. ‘Thank f*** that’s over,’ said the pro-Third Runway at Heathrow…

Hope fading fast for Mexican wall-building industry

Despair has gripped the people of Mexico after opinion poll results in the United States suggested that hundreds of thousands of the nation’s builders won’t soon be offered a series of lucrative government wall-building contracts after all. “Yet again, small businesses have been hung out to dry by the Establishment,” complained Enrique Arramos, 42, from…

Princess Charlotte sets out Brexit strategy

Prime minister Theresa May has welcomed news from Canada that Princess Charlotte has finally said her first words, setting out a Brexit strategy for the government to adopt. ‘Mamma,’ Princess Charlotte told adoring crowds during a playdate in Calgary while touring Canada with her parents, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. ‘Mamma.’ Visibly enthused the overjoyed…

BBC axes War & Peace in favour of Corbyn reshuffle drama

The BBC has announced it is axing its critically-acclaimed adaptation of Tolstoy’s literary classic War and Peace after just one episode, replacing it with a tense political drama based on Jeremy Corbyn’s shadow cabinet reshuffle. The as-yet-untitled and largely unplotted drama is expected to be lavish in scale and Byzantine in its twists and turns…