Nation’s husbands call for lawnmower ban

Four UK water companies have lifted the last hosepipe bans, triggering calls by Britain’s husbands to introduce a lawnmower ban instead in order to prevent dangerous levels of nagging about the state of the nation’s gardens. Abnormal rainfall levels during the recent drought have left gardens across the UK in a state of parlous overgrowth.…

Royal Jubilee engagements causing backlog of unopened supermarkets

Supermarket giants including Tesco and Sainsbury’s have led angry calls for the Royal Family to ‘stop fannying about for the Jubilee’ after news emerged that 40 fully-stocked supermarkets have been left unopened for months. ‘We’ve been continuing to expand our operations across the United Kingdom,’ said Tesco chief executive Philip Clarke. ‘But since this Diamond…

Leveson Inquiry delayed to allow time to appoint Parseltongue translator

Rebekah Brooks’s appearance before the Leveson Inquiry has been delayed to allow the inquiry team to recruit an official Parseltongue translator. The surprise move was announced by a frustrated Lord Leveson after just ten minutes of Brooks’s hissing, sinister testimony this morning. ‘We can’t go on like this any longer,’ Lord Leveson declared. ‘I only…